Cleaning Frenzy

I’ve had so much stuff I’ve needed to do around the apartment I’ve had very little time to give to writing. It’s not just physical cleaning I’ve being doing though, I’ve been airing my head as well.

On the positive side though, I’m pretty much done with the most urgent of my chores.

There’s just so much more to do (and even the ‘non-urgent’ list is stuff I should have really done years ago. Shame on me.) that sometimes I don’t know where to start.

I hadn’t even realized how much energy I was spending on working until I stopped doing that. No wonder this place was (and in places still is) a mess. Honestly, though, I’ve learned that no more than 50% of the mess can be my fault and therefore I should expect the creator of the other 50% to take some responsibility. He’s getting there, but sometimes I just have to wonder.

On the stuff more related to this blog, I also frenzied through my bookshelf.

Now you must be wondering what my priorities are, if my bookshelf is on my urgent list. I’ll get there.

I took out all the books I’d read (but had remained under the notion “I just might have time to read this again here”, which is unlikely) and those I plan to take with me to North Karelia. They’re packed up and are waiting for me to take them over to the basement. The box to North Karelia will be staying upstairs. I’m not sure about those yet and I might add stuff – but then I’ll need another box (I’m awful and I have zero impulse control on books).

That’s part of why they were on the urgent list, really. If I get them out from underfoot I’ll have more room to pack some more. We’ve a lot of stuff and this is not a big apartment. (And my furniture is not good for this particular flat, but that’s another story entirely.)

I also vow I’ll buy no more books until the bookshelf is done. I really have to keep this one because I have to carry those things out of here. I love them, but really I need a house to keep them in as is.

There are many interesting books still waiting, so shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Just have to stay home and away from any store in Finland (every grocery store has some pocket books – might not be good, but they’re everywhere).

Regarding my Malleus reading journal though, I realized I’d at some point packed away the Bible I was supposed to cross-reference from. D’oh. Hope it’s not in the basement. I’m NOT opening those boxes again until I’m at my next apartment. (If it’s there the Malleus reading journal is officially on hiatus until next autumn.)

Trying to sort through my inflated worldly possessions has taught me to be better at letting go as well. I have some hoarding tendencies and sometimes get a bit too attached to inanimate objects, but there’s just got to be a line somewhere. I’ve thrown away a lot of stuff I’d kept for ‘that one day when I’ll fix this shit’. Should throw away a lot more, but hey, it’s really a process. Should I capitalize that? Maybe.

Having a clear-set deadline has always been a help for me, and knowing that we won’t be having a place of our own for a couple months really puts pressure into throwing away the unnecessary. I just dread the look on our parents’ faces when they realize what they’ve agreed to…

Anyway, just to let you know I didn’t die over the New Year’s. I’ve been so inspired lately, who knows what’ll happen regarding the actually interesting stuff instead of my housework.

Hopefully. My muses are fickle and cruel.

(And yeah, I’m just posting about doing my chores. I’m so sorry.)



It’s been a while.

Now, I know this might come across like a huge excuse to being lazy, but bear with me.

I cannot go into details much, seeing as that would not be in accordance with the contracts I’ve signed and am legally bound to obey.

But what I can tell you is why I haven’t been writing anything up here. And that is the part anyone interested in this blog really deserves to know.

For the past three years, I’ve had health issues that have prevented me from doing my work properly. This in turn created friction between me and my employer (or the representative of the employer in charge or HR in my unit, but whatever). When it became clear my health problems were of a more permanent nature and would permanently decrease my work performance, the person above decided it was a good idea to try to bully me into resigning.

So, the past year and a half or so, I’ve been given unworkable shifts (literally shifts my doctor has repeatedly told the person I shouldn’t and cannot do) and I’ve been told repeatedly that my colleagues think my “special treatment” is unfair.

I’ve asked my colleagues whether the find my decreased performance a hindrance, and so far no one did, or at least never told me they did. More often than not, they told me I did a good job doing the parts of the job I could do and they didn’t like.

When things got to the point that I started getting written up for minor things, I realized that not only am I broken physically, my employer is also trying to break me mentally.

I went to my doctor and told him quite honestly that I could no longer bear going to a place where I’m so clearly no longer wanted. I told him that being constantly reminder of what is “wrong” with me has created this enormous amount of anxiety and that in times I just want to crawl to a corner and die. I’ve been depressed (and diagnosed) previously, and although I knew the symptoms I had tried to ignore them.

My doctor wrote me an official statement with the basic idea of “this person is not suitable to her assigned task”. He said this would probably get me fired, which here in Finland means you get a few months’ pay (depending on how long you’ve worked there) from your former employer and no ‘quarantine’ from unemployment support. This would be the best option, in regards to finances.

My boss didn’t fire me though. They had no idea what to do with the paper and would have to call their superiors. Please come again.

So, yesterday I resigned with 6 months pay. Apparently, my HR manager’s superiors had put their foot down. I don’t know if this is the fact, but for some reason, she was instructed to pay me out. And knowing that I cannot work in the near future due to my physical injuries and the fact that I’m mentally drained, I took the chance.

I have been brought down so low in the past couple months, that even doing what I most like doing – reading and writing – has become a task too mighty to handle. You can probably tell by the amount of projects I’ve posted vs. the amount of projects I’ve finished. That was me trying to motivate myself and failing.

You should see my home; if I say reading and writing have suffered, the biggest loser is probably chores. The place looks like a dump, which of course doesn’t help me thinking better things about myself (what a pathetic little c*** you are, not even able to take care of your home), nor does it help get the creative juices flowing.

In conjunction with my already low self esteem my treatment at work has made me feel worthless. At the point I was just a week ago, I thought I couldn’t post anything, because that would just make me look an even bigger fool; because I possibly couldn’t have anything  to say that anyone would want to read.

Now, the thing I hate even more than excuses is promises that aren’t kept. So I’m not going to promise anything.

I’m not quitting, though.

Might just be even more sporadic than thus far.

(Yeah and I just cannot come up with a good title for this. Just bad ones. So… ehh)



Goodreads widget

Spur of the moment addition.

I must remind you, that my Goodreads page is for the moment a work in progress.

I have so far added only about a third of the books in my possession and some of the read/reading/unread -shelves are not exactly correct at the moment.

Insofar as are the books that I have read in my possession, the list is right. The question is more of have I truly finished all of them yet. Some of my books are waiting for bigger shelves in the basement, and I have just mercilessly added them to await the time to actually comb through it and put everything in their correct virtual shelves anyway.

So, as I have warned you before, should you visit in order to see my bookshelves… You will be greeted by a construction site gone horribly wrong.

I’ll let you know when it’s safe to enter without a helmet…

Springtime Blues

I’m not a spring person.

I don’t mind the winter, even though the Finnish winter is very long and very dark. But when the winter starts to draw to an end I’d just want to skip the next step, be done with ice and snow and cloudy weather. Snap my fingers one morning and get a sunny sky and warm weather.

Of course it will never work like that and I have to live with melting snow revealing all sorts of gross things hidden underneath until grass starts to grow and hides it again.

Nature is starting to get all creative, but all my creativity goes down the drain. All I’d want to do is sleep, the more the better.

Getting myself to start doing anything during springtime is next to impossible, all I get going is procrastination. That is also one job no one ever gets finished with, curious that. Always something more to do in that regard.

There’s only one known upside to this: it’ll be over eventually. By the end of April the weather will be reasonably mellow, trees get some leaves going and not everything is monochrome anymore (apart from the 70’s-80’s apartment buildings, but those are monochrome all year ’round).

So, yeah. I’m going to sleep until April’s over (I wish, gotta go to work every day anyway). Unless I get a totally unprecedented spurt of inspiration before then, I doubt I’ll get much done. I don’t really think it fair I push out something mediocre and uninspired only because I feel I should.

So, see you in a few weeks.

Status update

This post is totally unrelated to anything, mostly just me venting about certain things. If you don’t care to read a rant about how my boss is a bitch, feel free to skip this one.

So, as I might have mentioned, I spent most of last year running from doctor to doctor due to issues with my right hand. Last November I finally got permission to go back to work after two and a half months of sick leave.

Last week I had to go work the registers at my job. It was going fine up until the last hour or so, when a client with a huge load of groceries came up to my till. That’s cool and all, except that my hand totally disliked it. So, knowing that I had another cashier shift next week I went to the manager and told her I couldn’t do it with my hand.

She told me I should really consider finding another job. Legally she cannot fire me because of my health unless I spend a whole year on sick leave. It is also legally my employer’s task to find me something I can do until I fully recuperate, no matter how many times they try to say they have nothing I could do.

She went on that cashier duty is part of my job, the same as everyone else. The truth is that there are many people with other work-related injuries and also many healthy individuals who never have to work the registers, no matter the fact that they have the training to do it. It has also been the recommendation of my doctor that I should not work as a cashier due to the repetitive motions and heavy load it puts on my hand. It seems I’m the only one to whom the rule applies. In the three years prior to my injury I also never had cashier duty. Suddenly after my doctor has forbidden it it’s of the utmost importance.

I feel like she’s trying to make me quit my job. If I won’t do it willingly and go quietly I’m certain she will start fabricating warnings for me as she has done to many others.

I’m just asking, is this really what five and a half years of dedicated work is worth? I’ve never said no to any task that’s been within my abilities, I’ve been willing to stretch and give up my free time to do my job. Until my health problems – that were caused BY my job – I’ve had much fewer sick days than the average employee.

But hey, she can try and get me fired. I’ve got the union at my back. She should really think long and hard whether she and the company want to go through a law suit over something so menial. I refuse to go down quietly, I refuse to quit when the law is on my side. Sure, if they’re willing to pay me (let’s say a year, year-and-a-half worth of pay in the least) I think we can work out an agreement… but there’s a snowball’s chance in Hell of that.

That’s the rant, for now. I’ll be posting something more relevant in a couple of days, hopefully. Until then, ta-ta.